Everybody has different desires and sexual appetites. It can feel frustrating if your partner just doesn’t seem to understand what you like. Fairy tale fantasies in books and films have trained us to expect a perfect, mutually orgasmic sexual connection the first time around with seemingly no effort. Unfortunately, this rarely happens in real life!
To achieve those sensational orgasms every time, you need to establish effective communication with your partner.
It’s easy to forget that your partner doesn’t think the same way as you do. Sometimes it can feel like they don’t understand your needs or what you want from sex. If both partners are left feeling unfulfilled, this can damage your sex life in the long-term.
Communication is the key to a great sex life. Because neither you or your partner are psychic, you’ll need to let each other know what you like and dislike. Otherwise, it’s never going to work.
Remember that there are different methods of sexual communication too and that your partner may prefer one method over another.
It’s important to understand that certain types of communication in the bedroom could cause your partner to feel self-conscious. For example, criticising their technique won’t do them any favours – or you, for that matter, unless you’re happy to go it alone next time!
Barking out instructions is not a turn-on for either party, and speaking harshly could make your partner lose confidence in their ability to please you.
Instead, approach communication in some of the more subtle and sensual ways we’ll suggest below. These approaches will help you create a greater connection with your partner, hopefully giving you a better experience and more intense orgasms, too.
Not all sexual communication requires a conversation. In fact, the way you communicate during sex can actually be a turn-on if you do it right.
The way you move your body can let your partner know what you like. As you become more aroused, you’ll naturally begin arching your back or moving your hips in rhythm. This gives your partner a signal that what they’re doing is really getting you going.
If you’re not excited by what they’re doing, don’t fake it. By stopping the movements, you’ll send a hint to your partner to change it up without having to say a word.
Touching your partner and guiding them to do the things you like doesn’t need to come across as instructional. To maintain your emotional connection, hold their hands and interlock your fingers for a few seconds, and then guide their hand down to where it feels good, all the while maintaining eye contact.
There’s nothing wrong with guiding their hand on top of yours to get you started. Let them continue when you’ve found the right rhythm. They’ll be excited by your need to join in and won’t notice the subtle hint.
Possibly the easiest way to communicate is just to say what you’re feeling. Talking dirty can boost sexual intensity for both partners, and telling them what you want them to do to you can be a way to inspire them to do it!
If you’re not confident enough to use your words, then sounds can be enough. Really focus on the feelings you’re getting from the things your partner is doing. Let yourself go, make some noise! The intensity of your moaning will spur your partner on, boost their ego and give them direction. The more you moan, the more they’ll do it.
(Top tip: you aren’t in a porno, so don’t go overboard – you’re naturally sharing the audio version of the sensations you’re feeling. This is not a call to fake it!)
Men and women, broadly speaking, have different communication styles. Women typically feel a deeper sexual connection if they talk before sex and establish a sense of closeness to the other person.
Men, on the other hand, feel a deeper connection during sex itself, and aren’t necessarily turned on by talking before or during the act. Some men find it a real turn-on to feel that they’re giving you the time of your life, and therefore might enjoy hearing how good it feels, or how much you like it.
Telling your partner how much you want them or what you want to do to them before sex helps to develop arousal, but also gives you the opportunity to describe some of the things that you really love to do (or have done to you) in bed. This can be a nice way to get you both on the same page.
Start off with a cheeky text – “I can’t stop thinking about how good your tongue feels between my legs.” This is an immediate green light for him and also drops a big hint that you’d like to start off with oral sex before penetration.
Remember, different types of communication before, during, or after sex can keep your connection alive. Each couple needs to find their own groove. For greatest satisfaction, stay open to the possibilities and try lots of different approaches.
